What You Surround Yourself With?

I need to make healthier friends! Not that I don't appreciate and love the ones I have but they all have such big issues; and I have my own problems; and I feel like I could drown in theirs if I happen to start thinking about all of them at once (which I do sometimes).

One friend I have is definitely more stable/progressive but she's going away to college soon and is more centered on her own life right now. I wish I could talk to her more though, and tell her this stuff, and be casual, but she has a lot going on (since she's going away).

As for everyone else.. the lot of them have big mental/emotional issues or life problems and the one, out of that group, that isn't bordering on unstable, I can't talk to/vent about the others because he has a complete lack of understanding/sympathy for those types of things. On top of that, he thinks whatever is bothering me is completely unfounded or irrelevant too; which is just frustrating as hell (not to mention, completely unhelpful).

Idk... just thinking about all this is stressing me out a little. My one relatively rational friend is going away and like..who's gonna be my arm to lean on?.. or shelter in the storm for this new upcoming time in my life. Like I said, I love and appreciate my friends but maybe being surrounded by so much crazy really is negatively impacting me (or will) even though I think I've been handling things pretty well and not letting it get me too down.

Ugh I just want to skip this part and go to college already!! >.<

Potential Problems (No, not me!)

Patient doesn't handle stress well; patient doesn't handle stress at all. Patient disconnects itself from things that force it to tackle life obstacles actively. Patient ardently prefers passive, coasting through life.

Don't know how I'll handle all that = /

Careers? Future? Psychologist? Maybe not.

Maybe I don't want to be a psychologist / couldn't handle it? It would be refreshing to know if I definitely didn't. At least then I could feel like I could stop volleying between that and video/film (for awhile). It seems like my decision always does come to camera work of some sort.

...but awhile later I'm still not even remotely sure.

Hopefully time at college will provide answers = (

A NERVE A NERVE A NERVE

Completely unsympathetic people make me mad. It IS a powerful form of ignorance X_X and a shining example of a lack of perspective.

Frenchy

Had a decent day of ice coffee and dog sitting! Good music and food.

It's hot and I kind of want ice coffee but whatever is chilling in the fridge isn't decaff! I would love something else too, something light and cold like bubble tea.

I would love to have a reason (and a way) to get dressed up and go out somewhere right now. Just somewhere that's lively or interesting where there's a decent amount of people or even somewhere comfortably desolate. Maybe a walk would suffice, or late night trip to the movies. This house gets oppressive.

Dear, ________

Thanks for making me feel like the dirt under your shoe. There are so many things I refrain from saying in anger, so many things, and that's alright but now it seems like your the only one allowed to feel. I know we think differently but it seems that you often take what I say way out of context. Do you know how trapping it is to feel like you can't express your  emotions without being accused of trying to victimize yourself? That's another thing; It's so good to know that you think I'm such a fucking conniving person after almost two years.

*Sigh This is all just so frustrating. I don't know when you'll stop being mad at me but honestly I'll probably still be mad at you and you won't understand why. In fact you'll probably think I'm being ridiculous or stupid for what in the world could you have donee wrong? There's two sides to a coin buddy. Seriously, is it so hard to imagine that there is another perspective reacting and feeling to what you say and feel too? There's no way you could have made me mad in the process?

I understand how what I said could have come off or how you could get the impression you did but do you see how you could misunderstand or that you might be wrong? Idk.

Rant closed I think.

Yours Truly,
             Megan

YAY Book Victory

Just finished 'Slaughterhouse Five' by Kurt Vonnegut. Liked it very much.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom always to tell the difference."

Indeed.

Metric; More relationship lyrics.

"If the fire's out baby, how are you gonna keep me warm?"
(-Collect Call by Metric)
*sigh yeah .

I wish alijah would dance with me sometime, to metric, in a club with the walls painted black and small colored lights that rotated around the floor. But no one else being there.

If ever things get better...

"Will you take me
in your arms again...
and with one kiss eradicate each
hour apart from your embrace?"
- The Red Violin
I don't think I'll try to talk to him for awhile.

Freaking love when people say they're "Done" with me.

Why does he gotta be like that.. T___T it gives me a stomache ache. I wonder if it contributes at all to my weird perpetual anxiety. Ugh whatever.

What do you do when your boyfriend tells you to take down your status?

Punch him in the face and chase him with a wood spoon the size of a boat paddle! Infuriating indeed.

First thing resembling a poem in ages..

On a bus out of boston
orange straw leaking caffeine into my mouth
thinking about how I'm gonna get high off life
climb a mountain somewhere
and wipe away my fears for the future

"oh please, don't let what was get in the way of what's next. don't forget, that what's to come hasn't come yet "

Back From Boston (...)

Don't want to go back to worrying about, work, my family, the future, and school. = ( Wish I could just enjoy my summer!!

Back From Boston

Boston was lovely and filled with beautiful and fun things. I keep forgetting that New York City is like the dirtiest place ever (still wonderful though). Visiting my aunt, uncle and cousins was great. I really loved spending time with each one of them.
Coming back though, I'm feeling a little 'unstuck' from my environment; as if I could fall into any other place in the world, from here, at any time. I sort of wish it would happen too. Not so keen on Long Island after finding such a better version of it.
Some places I visited were Salem, Marblehead, Marblehead Neck, Government Center, Swampscott, and the Boston Museum of Fine Art where I saw the visiting Chihuly exhibit!

Leaving For Boston Soon

Tired and anxious = sort of nauseous. Ugh. I do want to visit my aunt and cousins though!

Swampscott Here I Come O_o

Going on a four hour trip to Boston tomorrow, to visit my aunt, with my grandparents. harumph.

Diva Cup Is Here!

Diva Cup came in today!! It's the end of my period but whatever I'm still glad I got one. You can swim with it in, sleep with it in (overnight). It's economical and green! Good investment; cutting one of the major expenses in my life.

Dolce Far Niente

I blogged about this before but it really is something I think I'm fairly good at at times.

Need the enthusiasm back!

I wish I could get excited about going to college again. Maybe after I get a job and do/accomplish some other things I wanted to I'll be able to feel more so.

"Basically. Like how can you be out of high school and not freaking out about the future?! It's coming for you, dude."

-Che
Lol said like a champ.

Right. Rehash of 'Problems Are Problems'

The dysfunctional family comes in many shapes and forms and although lives can come in varying degrees of good and bad because of that, with some worse than others, it's not for one to forget that they're all still dysfunctional.

Series "Perpetual Identity Crisis"

I was happy to see Lev Yilmaz (AgentXPQ on Youtube) starting to put out some new videos. It's interesting how easy he is to relate to. A lot of people say that though.

Going Green Hygiene? Power to women and down with the tampon industry!

Finally invested in a menstrual cup; ordered one off amazon. Should be coming soon! I might actually get it before my period is over..dont know if I'd want to try it out right away though. Chose the 'Diva Cup' brand based on good reviews. Will probably be writing about this more in the future.

*BAHAHAHA sob.

Still don't have a job damnit or a reading list. This life I've thought up needs to start in on some places.

Hmm.. that's right.

A comment my friend made made me really want to reinvent my attitude towards life (that I've had lately). Although I do, generally, try to cultivate a positive one, there was definitely something missing that I've been reminded of..

"Megg! i miss u :( i miss us talkin abt our thoughts nd how wre gona grow and change our lives lol :,)"

Read the mission statements..

"Some of these people make me sick. But a law's been broken here. You do remember the law, don't you?" - Joe Millers from the movie 'Philadelphia"


I wish more people were really passionate about something or did things with more conviction. I feel like the only people with strong beliefs these days are those that are terribly ignorant; that just should not be.

"worst girlfriend ever" (?)

What an asshole.

My mom got these. I can't tell if I think this is a good name for a cereal.

1st

Watercolor Moleskine came in from amazon today, quicker than expected. I can't believe how expensive these shits are X_X. I need to learn book binding..

I regret not remembering more history I learned in highschool. It really is sad how much people don't know about their world (in that way).
I mean like I really don't know much at all about the WWs but they were freaking WORLD WARS! So sad.

Ugh Racism x.x

Yesterday, some girls were harassing my friend Che for being black. They followed her around for a whole block bothering her. It just urks me so fucking much and I really wish I could have been there to do or say something. I imagined being able to use a paintball gun on their faces or retaliating in some way besides calling the police. That would be a little weird though, carrying a paintball gun around. Realistically I should totally get some Mace; would have no remorse for them.

Megan Meghan Meaghan Meagan Meygen Megan

I really can't be friends with other 'Megans'. The very first one I met I thought was a total bitch and this was in elementary school. Not that I think all Megans are bitches but.. idk I've just always had a problem with them.

First Water Park In Ages!

Got a new bathing suit and some tampons I am ready to go to Splish Splash on Wednesday I think!

Artistic Investments

Bought some art supplies off amazon. Same items as above^. Sprang for the Watercolor Moleskine  even though I typically avoid that brand. Not that they're not great and all but they're just too expensive for me!. I already found some alternatives in Piccadillys and sketchbooks by Sterling Publishing ( but nothing that's good for watercolor.)

• Large Watercolor Moleskine
• Derwent Watercolor Pencils (12 set)
• Pigma Micron Pens (6 pack)

In the end, everything totaled to around 40 bucks. The ironic thing being that the moleskine is going to arrive before anything I can use on it! x.x (i.e. the pencils and pens). Thanks amazon for the great shipping options... Anyway, I wish I didn't splurge at least that much money on magic cards. X_X